Hey! I’m Rizzo, the magnificent male feline. Alan and Lady Dawn are my persons. Well, mostly Lady Dawn as she prepares my meals, gives me treats and scratches my head nearly every night when we crawl into bed. The old guy, not so much. We just kind of tolerate each other.

Speaking of the old guy, I do like to irritate him. Sometimes when he comes to bed later than Lady Dawn I go lay in his spot. Always irritates him and I chuckle as I scamper away. One night the big klutz almost sat on me. Imagine the shame of getting a butt helmet from an old guy in his underwear. I stopped getting into his spot from then on.   

When I was just a wee kit, I lived with my mother outside on a farm. Ya know what, Illinois winters are as cold as a well digger’s butt. (I have no idea how cold that is but I’ve heard the big guy mention it a few times.) After ma froze to death I went to live with a nice lady who rescues cats. It was warm and I was fed regularly, but there was just too many cats there. I hate cats. Fortunately Lady Dawn came and got me. Did I tell you Lady Dawn smells good too?

So, off I went to live in Lady Dawn’s home in Bourbonnais Illinois. Nice digs except that big guy lives there too. But no cats. Well, there is that damn mutt, Jordy, who is a big oaf. But he mostly leaves me alone, which is just the way I like it. Sometimes I let him chase me if I’m in the mood. Other times I just reach out and slap him on the face as he walks by. I do that with the big guy too – if that sucker happens to walk by me without stopping to scratch on me, pow! I just reach out and slap him.

I’m starting to warm up to the name my person’s hung on me.  They call me Rizzo. I was named after a baseball player who smacked the ball around for the Cubs and Yankees I was told. Who cares! Sometimes I will answer to that name if I feel like it, especially when Lady Dawn calls for me. She also affectionately calls me Kitty Kat, which I put up with just because it’s Lady Dawn. When the old guy calls for me, I just ignore him. Would you respond to the name Rizzo the Fatheaded Cat? Anyway, when I’m around other animals I refer to myself as Thor. I think that names fits my personality more than Rizzo.

First thing my person’s did was try to put a collar on me. Fat chance that! I chewed through the first one, but not before almost hanging myself on the damn thing. A couple months later Lady Dawn tried it again with the same results, this time I had it stuck in my mouth. My jaw was sore for a week after that, but they took it off. I’m not wearing a damn collar unless my person’s have matching collars, that’s all there is to it. Can you imagine how ridiculous the old guy would look in a collar. With my glare, I told him to stick that collar where the sun doesn’t shine. But twice was enough, Lady Dawn never tried again. Jordy wears a collar and I laugh at him about it.

I kind of run the house just the way I like it. When Lady Dawn watches television at night she sits on the couch and I just curl up right on her neck. I like smelling her hair. The only thing to complain about is that they never let me out of the house. They tell others it’s because I have no front claws, but who do you think was the mastermind that arranged that? My paws were sore for a month.

So one day we were in Arizona and it was a spectacular afternoon. I could see it was from my perch in front of the windows. When Lady Dawn opened the door to let in some fresh air to get the smell of dog out of the house, I snuck out. I walked around the yard for a bit until I found a low spot in the fence so I jumped over to see what was on the other side. Free at last! I could go where I wanted, see what I wanted and just be me like back on the farm. Roaming primarily around the arroyo behind the house I was checking out critters, plants, rocks, and anything else I had never seen before. Chasing a ground squirrel was a great time.

Then it got dark. I had never been outside at dark before. I was in big trouble because I couldn’t find that low spot to get back over the fence. There were scary things grunting and groaning in the dark. I might even heard a rattle or two. I was terrified out of my magnificent feline mind.

Trying for a couple hours to find that damn spot in the fence was futile. Where were my persons in my greatest time of need? Finally, I heard Lady Dawn’s voice calling me. About time, I thought. I could see her through the fence as she was looking for me and calling out my name. That’s when I saw the big guy behind her. He didn’t look happy.

At first it was kind of comical watching them run around the back yard calling out for me. Did they really think I was going to answer? I watched for a while as they frantically searched everywhere. Then I heard another grunt behind me and decided it was time for me to allow my persons to rescue me. I let out a low meow, just barely enough for Lady Dawn to hear and yet not alert whatever it was that was grunting behind me.

The old guy found me first with his flashlight, shinning the damn thing right in my eyes. When I could see again, I saw he was trying to reach through the fence to grab me, but as angry as he seemed, I didn’t think it prudent to let him. So we danced a bit. Then I heard him angrily saying to Lady Dawn that he wasn’t about to go outside of the fence to get me because he didn’t trust what was running out there in the dark. He also complained about having to walk over the rocks around the fence as he would surely break an ankle. I formed a picture in my mind of the big oaf sitting on the coach with his foot propped up on a pillow. Ha!

While the vitriol of the comment scared the bejesus out of me, it was also kind of funny. The old guy must have thought Lady Dawn was standing behind him when he was talking to her about not going outside that fence. What he didn’t know is that Lady Dawn had already gone outside the fence, walked over the rocks and around to where I was at. She heard what the big guy said, so she merely replied, “Okay.”

You should have seen the look on that old guy’s face when Lady Dawn responded to him from my side of the fence. He yelled at her, “What the hell are you doing out there?” I thought about biting him right then and there as he had no business talking to Lady Dawn like that. She simply replied she was there to get me and she lifted me up in her arms and brought me back into the house, the old guy berating us both all the way. I stayed pretty scarce the rest of the evening so I wasn’t tempted to bite that old sucker.

Well, that’s about all I want to discuss at this time. You people really don’t deserve to hear any more about me. I’ve said too much. See ya.

Thor aka Rizzo