Once upon a time in the bustling metropolis of Chebanse, Illinois, I made my grand entrance into the world. My first job at the tender age of 12 was as a professional garbage-taker-outer at Berg’s Grocery Store. Yes, you heard it right. I was the king of trash at a grocery store. My reign didn’t last long, though, as I swiftly transitioned to working for my Grandpa and Uncle Jerk (yes, that’s the name I promise I’m not making it up) at their trucking company. A family business where the motto was likely, “If it’s dirty, it’s your job!”

After school and on weekends, I kicked off my career by cleaning out the shop, taking out trash, and pulling off other odd jobs. It wasn’t long before I graduated to washing, greasing, and changing the tires on trucks, which sounds fancy until you realize I was just a tiny guy wielding tools larger than myself. Seriously, I could have fit inside one of those tires and rolled around like a big rubber hamster!

Then came my brief stint as a semi-truck driver. Spoiler alert: I didn’t like it. I realized that sitting behind the wheel of a massive truck wasn’t as glamorous as it sounded, especially given I had to deal with the occasional road rage from my fellow drivers, which usually consisted of them honking their horns at me as I attempted to parallel park a vehicle the size of a house. And that one finger salute got boring.

As the years tumbled by, I bounced from one odd job to another. I had a propensity to quit jobs as quickly as I picked them up. If anyone dared to utter something I didn’t like, I would walk out with the flair of a soap opera star. Cue the dramatic music.

At the ripe age of 22, I thought I had struck gold by landing a job as a healthcare security officer. My Grandma Ava was elated, “Finally, a safe job!” she proclaimed. Little did she know I had joined the ranks of the “armpit of America,” according to the local celebrity David Letterman. My job involved more than just standing around looking intimidating; I faced real danger! Hostage situations, weapons removal, and even getting shot at once. Thank you, Grandma, for helping to raise a brave soul!

Don’t worry; there were some highlights. For instance, I once tackled a combative (and naked) patient in the emergency room. Yes, I rescued a woman who was as “naked as a jaybird” and somehow, in that chaos, made a lifelong friend. Oh, and I also met the love of my life there. Somehow, after dodging bullets, we fell for each other! Talk about a romantic meet-cute!

After 12 years of nighttime adventures working my way up from security officer to manager, my “safe” job started to feel more like a dead-end. So, I shimmied over to another hospital, where I became the head of safety and security. Here, I had the unique experience of reporting to a CEO who actually backed his security team, an endangered species, let me tell you! One day, a snobby doctor refused to identify himself. My CEO had the audacity to tell him to pack his bags and take his MD hat elsewhere, which, let’s be honest, was the kind of drama I lived for.

My brush with VIPs didn’t end there. I had a run-in with the Secret Service when President Clinton decided to grace us with his presence. They made sure everything was in order, and I wondered if my years of tackling belligerent patients had prepared me for the role of potential presidential protector. Thank goodness I passed the initiation.

After several more thrilling years, I was lured to an even larger hospital, meeting fantastic people and hiring a brilliant safety expert known as the “pit bull.” Seriously, her safety knowledge was so fierce she could scare the danger away just by glaring at it. I recommended her to take my place when I left, and I imagine she still patrols the safety grounds, growling occasionally at unsafe equipment.

Before I knew it, I landed back in security, wrangling 71 security officers and 14 police officers like a circus ringmaster. Unfortunately, this particular circus was plagued with unbearable politics and countless meetings; talk about a wild roller-coaster ride. I left to join a security installation company, putting my years of wisdom to use in designing sophisticated security systems for hospitals, schools, and industrial facilities. 

And now, as I approach the grand age of 68, with plans for retirement (maybe) in three years, I reflect back on this journey filled with adventure, laughter, and just enough craziness to keep the heart pumping. From garbage collector to security mogul, it’s been one wild ride, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world! 

So, here’s to life, love, laughter, and a good dose of garbage!