I just finished preparing a Christmas list for ya. Sorry it’s late, but there was so much to ask for I actually had to shorten the list. So please, Dearest St. Nick, look into that boundless bag of yours and see if perhaps these gifts might be available. I’ve been good, seriously…I’m too old to do otherwise.
First, might you gift former President Obama, and his appointees, some decorum so as to get out of President Trump’s way to allow the man to effectively run the country? You see, Mr. Trump has a pretty full agenda for Making America Great Again, and it just doesn’t seem dignified that a former president can sit like a vulture on Trumps’ shoulder, making remarks and inciting cronies to obstructively act on his behalf. Some would say that not only is it unprecedented and egocentric, it’s Machiavellian.
Then there is that matter with Lois Lerner, lately of the IRS. She’s expressed concern for her safety. Is there any chance you might be able to fit her for a bright orange jumpsuit and place her in a Federal facility? You know, one that will be safe for her. Mike Huckabee mentioned possibly Leavenworth. Maybe put Hillary Clinton and Loretta Lynch in with her to ensure their safety as well. I’d be delighted to hold on to the key, you jolly old elf.
And Father C, any possibility you can find Colin Kaepernick a job, possibly at the North Pole? We hate seeing that photogenic young man continuing to be so unemployable. While looking around in that bag, see if you can find his former boss, Roger Goodell, something resembling a spine. Perhaps then we can get back to our regularly scheduled NFL schedule.
Got anything that helps drain a swamp? Quagmire-obstructionists, including the Largemouth Schumer Bass, the dreaded Pelosi Dingbat, the Dark McConnell Creature, and the Easy-Speak Ryan, as well as their Feckless Flocks and Fake News Fabricators, are imbedded a little deeper in the quagmire than originally believed.
Speaking of quagmires, Santa, once drained, what would you think of establishing a “Gallery of Disgrace” in Union Square, just in front of the Capital? In order to keep costs down, it could be an outdoor Gallery, and pigeons can enjoy it too. We could erect small masks, which you and Colin could produce five a year in your workshop, in the shape of pigs or donkeys mounted on a steel rod. Each rod would have the name of a Congressman who was accused and/or convicted of various misdeeds while doing “public service.” This year, we could kick it off with lecherous Congressmen John Conyers, Joe Barton, Al Franken, Tim Murphy, and Dennis Hastert, a virtual who’s-who of recent dirt bags, and Clinton cronies. Next year, we can either march back in time to other recently disgraced Congressmen, Vince McAllister, David Wu, Scott DesJarlais, Anthony Weiner, and Mark Souder, or we could just wait to see what five guys are “outed” yet this year.
As you rummage around in that bag see if there is any morality and decency left to sprinkle on that cesspool known as Hollywood. It would seem they have more than their fair share of perverts, miscreants, and know-it-alls. They are paid ridiculously large sums to entertain us, much like circus acts, then slap each other on the back, trade trophies (and spouses), pray on helpless victims…and then advise us otherwise.
Ah, you know what, Santa…never mind on that last one. As busy as you are, perhaps those Hollywood types deserve each other. Save your magic dust.
Mr. Frey is giving me the look, Santa, so I need to shorten up some of these requests. Other wishes hopefully found in your bag this year:
Robust book sales for Mr. Marek... Mike Madigan’s retirement… A couple of relievers for the Cubs and another World Series ring… Clues for Maxine Waters, Joy Behar, and Keith Olbermann… Strong economic growth for Kankakee and Iroquois counties… Californian succession… Lord Stanley’s Cup returned to Chicago… The division of Illinois into two states – separated by Interstates 80 and 39... A quick return for Aaron Rogers… Continued vitality for President Trump and indolence for Kim Jong-un… A short-range golf game for me… Al Sharpton’s back taxes.
Finally, and don’t laugh, how about some long over-due term limits for Washington and Springfield…or world peace, whichever is easier? Sorry, dude. It’s Christmas and I guess the spirit has just run away with me. Or the ‘nog.
Anyway, Merry Christmas everybody!